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I’ve been playing around for too long. Just to bore you even further I should start by getting the record straight- I’ve never been thin. The birth of my first child paired with stress and working at the wrong place (Subway) was the beginning of a weight gain journey. Inactivity, depression, anger and the unwavering talent of eating my emotions in the form of carbs and sugar.
Then I had another baby.
Then I got married.
Then he said I didn’t have to work anymore, and I laid on the couch, and ate, and watched tv, did my parenting duties, and ate some more.
Then we had three more children.
Then his mother died.
With so much going on in my life, food was my way of winding down at night. I put the kids to sleep, grab my computer and a pint of ice cream, find a good movie and just RELAX. But with that way of relaxing, comes consequences.
I’ve actually been working on my weight now for about 3 months, but I did want to share why I decided taken this seriously now, and why this fat gotta go.
- It’s constantly putting my life at risk– I got my wake up call back in July when I was specifically told that the reason I was having problems with my reproductive system was because of my weight. See when you’re fat, those fat cells suck up all the hormone you need instead of being distributed in your body correctly. That was my issue, which caused my uterus to crap out and I had to get a hysterectomy at the tender age of 30. Not to mention my blood pressure is not stable. Being a black woman with high blood pressure puts me at the top of the list for heart disease and stroke.
- My weight gain bothers me– Yes, I have vanity issues too when it comes to my weight gain. I take blogging seriously believe it or not, and I’ve always had a desire to post more photos of myself, maybe even vlog. My problem is, I cant stomach to look at me because I am so big. Maybe “can’t stomach” is the wrong term, It makes me uncomfortable. So in my mind, I wonder do other people feel the same way. And that’s why I don’t. Sure it’s a self esteem issue, it was bound to happen. There are days when I love my physical self, but there are days when I don’t.
- Finding clothes is a chore– Clothes for fat people tend to be horrendous. Cheaper brands make oversized shirts with Winnie The Pooh and Piglet, floral designs and palm trees on them and in my mind I’m like WTF, I dont wanna wear this. Now there are brands like Torrid that makes really nice clothes, but my belly fat says ‘no ma’am’. Again this all has to do with individual comfort level, and I’m not comfortable anymore.
- It’s making my hidradenitis worse– Having hidradenitis is a nightmare already, but being fat makes it worse. As my weight has increased, so have the breakouts. It’s painful, embarrassing, and a chore to maintain. So to lose weight and possibly reduce my breakouts? That would be great.
- I need to find a better way to handle my emotions– Blogging aside, my life can be stressful at times but hey whose life isn’t? But I handle stress by emotionally eating. Not only is it expensive, but it’s killing me. I think I need therapy, but for the time being, I’ve been substituting…. with water, or greek yogurt, or a piece of fruit and it’s working so far, but I know I have a breaking point, just trying to figure that part out.
So to sum it up, it makes me feel bad, I feel like I look bad, and it’s going to kill me. Can’t get anymore honest than that.